GothIron

Gothiron.......? Don't I know that name...
Rants from the past revived

It Cuts Both Ways (My Experience of Self Injury) (written as madmonkey)

I have read a lot of the ops in this topic, some being so heart rendering that I wish there was something I could do to help, and realised that there was another voice not being heard that loudly, that of the partner of a self-harmer. Well, this is my voice.

My wife comes from a background where domestic violence was prevalent and her parents, whilst loving her, rarely made this clear and she constantly strived to be "good enough". This low self esteem and lack of confidence led to other emotional abuse later in life by people outside of the family unit with life changing consequences.

I don't know how to describe the absolutely helplessness I felt, the first time I realised that the marks on her arms, face, stomach and legs weren't the odd knocks and cuts that we all get, but a deliberate attempt to injury herself. I didn't "catch her at it", in the end she told me herself what she did, she'd reached the point in her depression when she didn't have the energy left to lie about it anymore. Her methods of harming herself ranged from deep scratches with fingernails, although how she managed this with short nails I don't know, to slashes with a Stanley knife and burning herself with kitchen utensils heated on the gas ring.

I admit that I was very angry then incredibly sad when I found out what was going on, firstly I thought she must be doing it as a "cry for help", that this was a forerunner to a suicide attempt or else she just trying to punish me in some way. It was only years later that I began to be able to see that this wasn't true. Her reasons for self-harming were linked to low self esteem, her belief that if we'd had a minor argument that she had somehow "upset" me and had to punish herself and mostly because her depression was making her feel that she didn't matter or feel "real" and that physical pain was a way of reassuring herself that she actually existed. In her words "when I see my blood and feel the pain, I know that I'm the same as everyone else underneath"

So how did I deal with this discovery? Badly is the short answer. I didn't know about self harm, I didn't know why she did it, I couldn't visualise hating myself enough to hurt myself in the way she was. I probably did the wrong thing in confronting her, saying that if she did it again I'd leave her (I was desperate for her to stop), making her tell me what she'd done, questioning every mark I saw on her but I genuinely didn't know what to do.

So what help was out there for me, or for anyone who knows a self harmer? Well, very little to be honest. It's not a subject I could to talk to my family about, mainly because I was desperate for people not to know in case they assumed it was I hurting her. Self-harm is still a relatively taboo subject, despite recent soap opera storylines and it would have been much more believable in other people's eyes to think that the bruises and cuts on her arms were the result of domestic abuse rather than self-harm. I also didn't want to betray her trust in me, it's not right that I say anything if she wasn't able to talk to people first.

My wife never showed me the wounds she made, in fact she would make every attempt to hide injuries, going to bed later than me, wearing thicker T Shirts to soak up any blood, never letting me see her getting changed. She always said that she was bitterly ashamed if anyone saw the marks, that it was part of her life that was separate from our life together.

The turning point came when she finally got counselling for the issues behind her depression and felt able to tell people what was going on. The frequency of the abuse didn't change initially, but the severity of it did. She told me what avoidance techniques she used to try to prevent harming herself - not bei ng in the rooms where she'd commit harm to herself if she was feeling low, to paint her nails (a distraction activity), to get angry at me rather than herself and most of all to keep her hands busy on positive things. I in turn never asked her how new marks happened, even I could now recognise self-harm injuries from accidental ones, although it still hurt me bitterly when I knew she'd hurt herself.

I would say to anyone reading this, suspecting a loved one is self harmer, that the best thing you can do is talk to them, find out why they are driven to do it (if they know) and be supportive if they decide to get help. Self harm is just that - designed to hurt the individual, it's not aimed at family to cause guilt or a partner to pay them back, it's someone's way of expressing their frustration with themselves and that's the issue that needs tackling when they are ready.

From a practical point of view, make sure your first aid box is well stocked, that you have antiseptic cream handy and that rusty items are thrown away. From an emotional point of view, make sure you let them know that you still love them all the same.

My wife now rarely self harms, she isn't on tablets any more, her counselling has helped tremendously and she has developed a lighter side to her personality and has more confidence. Self harm will always be there, the same as depression but it's a less chosen option nowadays.

And yes, my wife has read this op and is happy for it to be posted