GothIron

Move over Winston Smith, there are far worst things than rats you know!

This is a whole lot more difficult than I thought, no, not getting inspiration but knowing when to stop! There are just so many things that I'm sure the world would be better without and that the eco-system wouldn't collapse without them.

So shove over litterbugs, move over people who talk during films in the cinema and shift it those people that fail to clear up after their hounds (literally please), Room 101 is about to get pretty darned packed.

Eddie Stobart Lorries

I'm sorry I don't care how smartly dressed their drivers are, or the fact you can get a tick list of lorry numbers or that they have their own web site (which is actually pretty cool, drawn as I was with moth-like tendencies to a further source of irritation), or that their fan club has over 25,000 members; I don't care if they were Haulier of the Year 1992 and have a turnover of plus £150m (the website is jolly informative too plus you can tickle a lorry...), I am fed up with them cutting me up, pulling out in front suddenly and generally making the drive around the M25 even more hell then it already is. There are plenty of other haulage firms, and, with the exception of the Tate & Lyle lorries, none of them seem as bad as ES lorries for lulling me out of a blissful state of tranquillity that has been attained by settling in to The Chillout Sessions (or down right stupor if I listening to that Geoff Hurst tape), and forcing me to practice defensive driving techniques at 6am.

I will make an exception for the Tate & Lyle lorries because with the early morning sun gleaming on the green livery, they look beautiful.

Forget the dreaded White Van Man, I've found out what they grow up to be, drivers for Eddie Stobart! Back it up son, left hand down a bit and in you go. Try adjusting your tacho for that rest period.

Not getting crowded in there is it? Because there is more....

Away Fans Sitting behind Home Fans at Football

As I may have mentioned, I am a football regular, a season ticket holder and nothing quite irritates me more than having an inebriated away fan (or fans) plonked down in the seat behind me as a result of knowing Barry in Commercial Department and blagging a free ticket. Now if I was sleeping with the enemy as it were, I think I probably would keep comments about the home team (and therefore the team of choice of probably 99.99% of the surrounding crowd) to a minimum and probably wouldn't bellow at the top of my lungs that "Paulo Di Canio is a **** and a ****" (still, I guess the manager is entitled to his opinion like the rest of us) and neither would I stand up and try to encourage the crowd to join in with a resounding chorus of "you're sh*t and you know you are". Not, that is, if I wished to go home with the same number of teeth, arms and legs as I came in with.

Actually add to that the Home Part-Time Percy's who never know the goalies name, haven't a clue who the manager is and probably aren't exactly certain of the name of the ground but have all the programmes, fanzines and novelty gimmicks as a memento of their second trip to footie in 30 years.

Gentleman, your coach is now arriving, please place your team colours, scarves and bobble hats on the rack above you and start your journey to oblivion, with no return fixtures scheduled.

Room for one more is there, just a little one, you over there, go and sit behind someone else because there is still more....

Juggling

If I had to trade the above just to put this one in Room 101, it would be worth it. I'm convinced that juggling has contributed the square root of zilch to the goodness of the earth - however I don't doubt that it has contributed massively to the wealth of those "motivational team building events" companies. Personally, I think they are in league with the devil.

I will freely admit, I can't juggle. I have poor co-ordination and despite the well meaning but severely ill advised attempts of friends, colleagues and family; I doubt I'd ever learn and in the many failings I have as a human being, it's one I can cope with. For some reason, all the team building and personal motivation type training I go on, all seem to feature this banal pastime as a highlight of the day. Juggling that is, not the ritual humilation of a middle age four-eyes.

I have even been on a Writing for Results course and found that one of my colleagues was *gifted* to be a juggler and always carried his balls with him (I know how bad that sounds but I'm on a rant and I'm not changing it now) "just in case they are ever needed" Ever needed? What possible bizarre set of events could possibly warrant the use of three squishy balls to save the day. "Juggler Jams Jugular" isn't a headline I've come across that recently although now I think about "Jammed Juggler Jugular" gives me a warm feeling. I will give him credit though, he did persevere through two knocked over coffees and a splatted jammie dodger before coming to the conclusion that I was a lost cause.....shame. Cope.

The worst case of pointless juggling was at a "self development and inspiration" event whose whole theme was that when things turn out differently than planned, you are just experiencing "a little learn" Well guess who experienced loads of "little learns" that day! The tutor did become speechless when trying to convince a colleague that he only needed to concentrate really hard and "believe in what you've yet to see" to be able to see the pictures in those magic eye drawings, only to be told "not a chance mate, I've only got one eye and you need 3-d perspective to see them" Somehow, I don't think that "little learn" was quite as appreciated as it could have been.

Roll up, roll up, this way to Room 101.

So the world is now a better place, the M25 will becoming less stressful, watching football a safer pastime (I'm less likely to get hauled out by a steward for having a go back at a particularly irritating specimen) and I will be able to go on training courses safe in the knowledge that my less than dexterous hand skills will not result in me being given "the person who tried the hardest" award again.

Damn, I should have added clowns as well!